My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
