i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
