Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
