Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
