The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i think my cat just said my name.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
