Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
