Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
