I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
