i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
