I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
