I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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