You made me cry and you don't even care
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
