when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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