I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
