I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
