My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
