mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
