HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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