I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
