in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
