good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
