Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
