Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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