Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
