i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
