the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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