Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
