i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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