nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
