your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
