Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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