i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
