Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
