i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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