oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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