i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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