Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
