Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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