my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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