if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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