Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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