I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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