So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
