it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
