whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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