I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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