i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
