At least make sure they are 18
Why
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
