my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
