He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
